I will enter 24 years old this year. I’m so lost and numb. I despise the current version of myself at 24. Feeling devoid of any achievements and capability. 

I choose to write this to release my mind. Hoping that this will alleviate some of the burdens on my thoughts. 

Ya Allah, I truly detest my current existence. I feel bad, unworthy, and find nothing to be proud of in myself. I am deeply ashamed, especially in front of Allah, for committing many sins without realizing the abundant blessings that Allah has bestowed upon me. I feel shame towards my parents even shame to myself. Surely, even my past self would be ashamed of me.

My life feels incredibly heavy. This is not the life that I expected at 24. I feel lonely. Extremely lonely. I have no friends. I lacks of any achievements or something to be proud of. I am not as skilled as others. I'm not active in extracurricular activities like others. 

Well but I do interested in speaking ! But I don't know how to develop this interest. I've missed many opportunities because I didn't realize this passion from the beginning. I am very interested in public speaking, in being an emcee for events or any other opportunity to talk inform of the public. Unfortunately, I've missed many chances, and now I rarely get the opportunity to speak. So, what I can do is start writing a journal, expressing everything I want to say. This is one way I try to heal my heart.

Sometimes, I cried thinking about why I didn't start everything from the very beginning. Why didn't I realize my interests earlier? Why didn't I develop my speaking skills from a young age? Why didn't I participate in many speaking competitions from the past? I wish to explore the world early on. I don't like feeling that it's already too late for me. 

But whatever it is, it's not good for me to questions every single thing that Allah has planned for me. 

"Ada sesuatu yang Allah dan rencanakan untuk aku, Aku yakin tentang itu" 

I'm saddened because I am an extroverted person. (ESFJ). I love socializing with people. Honestly, I hate being alone. But recently, I do many things alone, and I am truly not happy with it. I am literally crying as I write this because I don't know where to express myself. I don't want others to know how I feel. I want to hug myself and say, "you're doing good" and "you're enough, my dear." But there's a persistent inner voice that keeps saying that I'm not good enough.

Anyways, this is just an expression to unload the burdens from my mind. To those experiencing the same feelings, feeling full of shortcomings and feel bad in life. What you should do is go seek strength from Allah. Get closer to Allah. Reevaluate back the purpose of our lives. We will realize that this dunya is not everything. There's nothing in our lives that we should questions. 

Everything has been written since eternity. Whatever it may be, this dunya is just a temporary stop for us. We just need to pass through it and do our best to secure our lives in the akhirat kelak. 

"Impian kita ialah redha Allah dan masuk ke dalam Syurga."

We want to enter Jannah and live happily there. But we need to go through dunya first. We will be tested by Allah in this dunya, and only those who are able to survive will enter Jannah. No one can help us except ourselves, and surely by seeking help from Allah. Allah is the Most Merciful. He will never oppress hambaNya by burdening them with a sad life. 

Bear in mind, that every sadness has its brightness, whether in this dunya or akhirat.

"Dalam setiap kesusahan, ada kesenangan"

With love,

Nazifa Azli,

1.23 pm

23.02.2024